Two days in Chicago and I am blown away by the beauty of this city…the architecture, its juxtaposition on the lake and river, the way the sun and wind seem to control the light and mood of every block. I had a wonderful night last night with an old and new friend, gorging on deep dish pizza and getting blasted by Hendrix-inspired blues rock at an old Chicago Blues institution. It's been a great start to the trip.
The only danger in visiting all of these beautiful places is the distraction from why I got in my car and headed west in the first place…to ask people all over questions I am looking for answers to.
Of course, just introducing this project to others generates it own questions; and as I meet new people in each place, I am asked over and over, "Why are you doing this?"
And in truth, I've really struggled to give them a heart-ful answer. Certainly, there are so many obvious reasons…so much need in our society for comfort, such sadness and fear around our health and the inevitability of our death…but what brings me to try to address these questions? Am I willing to dive into the source of this drive in myself? I have always thought of myself as someone not afraid of death, willing to face it, and living my life in a way that, at the very least, if I was faced with my death today, I could honestly say that I'd been kind and had spent my life trying my best to be myself.
But in that case, what am I doing this for? Perhaps it comes down to some of the central questions that I am asking:
How does our fear of death influence how we approach the end when it finally comes?
Does the absence of ritual in our lives and our embarrassment around creating sacred space and ceremony affect the death experience?
How do our cultural addictions and attachments - our resistance to letting go - impact how we approach death?
Are there common threads of comfort needs that most people want provided in those final weeks, days, moments?
My mother asked me the other day if I felt that the experience of my grandparents' deaths had any impact on my decision to start this work. My first reaction was actually somewhat detached…I don't feel a immediate connection to those events and my decision to begin this project, but at the same time, watching two of the most influential people in my life spend their final days in hospice, only a few years apart, when I was in my early 20's, obviously had an enormous impact on me at the time. I can only imagine that it influenced more of the rest of my life than I fully recognize.
In thinking about the above questions, I realize that there are few ventures we embark on in life that do not stem from our own weaknesses, fears, hopes and holes in our lives. Although I want the focus of this journey to be on other peoples' experiences and needs, I realize that I will be forced to answer all of these questions in a personal way before I can be of any use to others on their paths.